What can I say, really? At this given moment, I am really enjoying living and gaining the fruits of effort. Clarity can come to many in several different ways, but to me, it seems like it comes in short spurts of stupidity followed by instant revitalization and relief. Isn't it a nice thought knowing that you could do things once that might've been dumb or dreadful, but then later on become the exact opposite? It's almost like when I look into a mirror now, I can no longer see the weakness that I thought existed within me four years ago. Today, I feel like I'm a new man, and it's taken pretty hefty work and sense of duty to fulfill this bliss that I currently feel.

   I don't mean to be "that one dude" who makes irritating touchy-feely preachy statements in his posts, but to correctly assess my current state of being, I must observe my entire state of being (whether it be physical, mental or even spiritual, if you have that belief system going for ya). For one, I don't necessarily eat the best, but I am probably going to make more of a point to be fit and exercise regularly. That's something I never include in my routine, but whenever I do, it just promotes such truthful rewarding of my mind (considering that I have been stressing about literally everything and I should probably cool it a "little bit").

   As you may know by now, what has been taking up a majority of my time honestly has been school. It involves a vast combination of other things as well, but mostly I'm worrying about my grades and trying to at least pass school. I am doing really well, as my grades range around A's and B's, but it for some reason has been really bringing me down in another way by affecting two things: my social life and my ability to do my art. Art is being produced, and actually at a pretty consistent rate, but the biggest trouble has been finding all of the time I can have to do the amount of cartooning and drawing and goofing around that I've been wanting to do for a while!

   Music is also another thing on my agenda, but it's been the least productive out of the two pains. I've recently talked to a couple of people who were actually interested in maybe working with me in this field, or requesting music from me personally. Also, I contacted (I guess you could say) a "long time acquaintance" of mine to see if he might want to collaborate, so we'll just see how all of that goes. All of this is in production, and I am still working on what I've said that I would be working on. The biggest thing is the delivery, which is what's been majorly lacking for me lately.

   To say positive, I can only (at this given moment) say that I have been very close with somebody that I know, and (as far as I know) we're working it all out relatively well! Although I would normally keep information like this private, and I shall also not give any further information for the sake of privacy and other factors, I bring this up because it really has been a turning point for me. What I mean is that this person is just so important to me, and so magnificently wonderful in all of their genuine hilarity, that they force me to push myself and make a difference in the world every single day. Without them, I probably wouldn't be who I am today, and that's a statement I would never make for many.

   The whole point is that I'm doing good, but things kind of aren't going as I planned and hoped they would. Scheduling will probably be one of the biggest things I'll have to work on when I reach adulthood (which, by the way, is this year ayy lmao), which is a healthy way to look on improving these parts of my living. I also, more often, want to start being less angered and frustrated by stuff that I can't change or control. It's time for me to do me as I am, and stop giving false shit out of fear. Fear is my enemy, and I'm fighting back.

Thanks so much, you guys! I love ya!

Peace peace, this is Gabe/Gabs/Gynk here, signing off (vewwy vewwy happy  [:)] ).
 

   Okay, so I think I might be getting back into art more often. I've actually been drawing non-stop for the past couple of days now (since it's Spring Break), and I honestly really missed it. I don't know, at this point I just feel like I was being stupid and acting out of impulse. Although, isn't that already who I am? lmao Anyway, onto what's happening lately.

   Literally, I have been working non-stop at this point in time, but most of the time that work hasn't been put into my passions. The work that has been put into that is my music, and some art on the side. In some ways, I kind of dreaded going back to the art days, but now that I'm doing it, everything just seems so right about doing it again. I've been greatly procrastinating lately, but I want that to change, and I'm going to try to make the effort to release more content rather than just work on it without even updating.

   So, yes, I am working on stuff. May it come out instantly all the time the way I would like to? No. Will it be fairly consistent? Probably not. Will it ever stop coming out? NO, an that's at least a promise that I can keep. Look, I'm messing up, but I'm getting better, too, and I hope I can really redeem my work and show you guys the kind of change I've portrayed.

   Thanks to all of you guys for your seriously amazing support! If it weren't for all of your comments (which I haven't gotten around to replying, but I have been reading btw), my days would suck a hell of a lot worse than they do, and you really do help me get through the day. It is so appreciated that I don't think you guys would even believe how much it means to me that there's still hope in my work. Anyways, have a very super mega sweet day, and until next time, I bid you guys a good day. Peace!

Hey, you guys! Sorry it's been so long and for not posting much, on YouTube as well as DA and other sites. I figured that since I had stuff to say, I might as well just do this update different than usual and make it more of a vlog. I'm not one for posting videos as well as vlogs, for the most part, but it just seemed like I should let you all know one way or the other. hahaha

Hopefully this clears things up a little bit more. heh I love you all, and I'll see you later!

___________
LINKS:
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Follow my music on SoundCloud (if you haven't already done so): http://www.soundcloud.com/gynk

Watch me on DA: http://www.gabrielnovakstudios.deviantart.com

Like my Facebook Page: http:/www.facebook.com/GabrielNovakStudios

I have a Twitter, oldy enough: http://twitter.com/GabeNStudios


Have an awesome day, you guys! ^u^

(This post is not all about me, so please bear with the rambling. heh Thanks!  :) )

   To be fair, progress has been relatively slow. It has been consistent and work is being done, but result probably won't show for a little bit. I want to try and clear my head while exploring new avenues for creative purposes, so all I have to ask of you guys is some patience and time to get some stuff done. Although I have done close to poorly with consistency on this page and on the web in general, my only argument is that I'm human and I need to have a childhood before October, also. I need to make up for a lot of lost time, and I think it would be better to just take the easy route for the time being until it gets to an absolute importance to keep the content continuous.

   Generally, I have been working to entertain an audience that I feel disconnected with at times. Not trying to be a jerk, but it's almost as if the shit that I've been working so hard on for years now doesn't even seem to matter at times. The work I do has come from the heart and love to do it before, but for a while you all have seen me go down a pretty slippery slope that has proved to change everything about me and my work. To those of you who have stuck around and been with me since the beginning, while managing to always find a way to never give up on me, I thank you all for every bit of it. It's those of you who do this that still keep me going at times.

   Sometimes, life can be hard. It can torment us to such a level that we feel that there is no other option but to give up, and be miserable all of the time. Yet, I'm actually not at that point. I'm currently at a point where I'm looking back at everything that should knock me down, everything that should make a difference in my attitude and how I function from day to day; when I look at these things now, I'm happy and I still smile. It's because I've grown to accept these things as true, but I choose not to let them take control.

   Recently, I've realized how much time has passed since I've wasted it, and I am now very aware of the cycle that I have grown to partake in. The same, boring, indifferent cycle that I had trapped myself in about a year ago is now coming to an end simply because I've become aware of it's existence. The point is, the goals and purposes we all have are far more important than the things we choose to worry ourselves about. They're more imperative than the stupid stresses that cloud our judgement constantly. For a moment, you have to look at all of the reasons why you shouldn't burden yourself. There is an extent to which you should be somewhat selfish to better life around you, even if you are selfless. You can't fill another cup with your's half empty, you know?

  Make a commitment to yourself right now, for all of those reasons in which you consider important to living, that you will make every day about rebuilding yourself in a completely new way. Don't allow yourself to be miserable, and never go a day without accomplishing at least one thing that you want to get done. Even if you begin with roughly 5 min towards your passion, you may find that it will carry you on for maybe an hour or more! Construct your life off of a plan that you set for it, and follow your heart in every step of the way. This commitment will keep your personal lusts and desires in check, because if not contained, these things can control you and make your decisions for you. Fight the good fight, and never back down no matter how intimidating it may become. Use your instincts more often, and believe gut feelings if they are strong enough. Begin to stop doubting yourself in confidence, yet wither away from the attitude of arrogance. Nobody holds any status against you except a man-made one, so make a status for yourself in reality and keep it solid. The only definition of your character is the one that you show with your actions.

   Furthermore, Christmas was amazing! We had a ball, and things are much more apparent to us now. We got to spend time with each other, and now our relationship with them is guaranteed to me to be strong. Although more complications have risen out of the ashes, I'm not letting go of hope. My brothers and sisters won't give up, so neither will I. My family has sacrificed for me, so I will sacrifice for them. No longer will I live my life off of fear and arrogance; now, I will make it all about something so much greater and beautiful. Nothing will kill my ideals, and nothing in the world can conquer my mind. Your greatest strength lies in the one thing that you do most, so use that strength to accomplish anything you wish to do. Life can be a journey in which we all are a part of, so why waste such a precious gift as this? Why throw everything away just because the going gets rough? From now on, your life is a battle, and you're the general... I love you all, and hopefully I can release some new stuff this month. I miss you guys. :')

   What's up, you handsome devils out there? Gabe here, back to let you know the main gist of what's going on. Lately, I've opened my eyes to intense ideals. I have let go of the things that once hurt me, and now I have learned that I truly fear nothing. Honesty has become a huge part of this ever-going change, and my life has now become more important than it ever has. I have transitioned and changed a lot...

   First order of business, I'm opening up art commissions. Unfortunately, I have grown to need some sort of income to be responsible and stuff, so I'll give the basic lowdown of what the pricing will range from. My art will range from the price of merely $5 for smaller pieces (particularly doodles, logos, or anything lacking great detail, such as cartoon stuff), $10 for added detail and more material use, $20 for color OR shading/lighting added, and can span to $80-$100 for intense requests such as animation or professional art (for things such as business logos and such), depending on how much is added and taken into account. The pricing scale increases by half for each additional thing you ask of me compared to the lowest price. Say you ask me for some crazy piece that includes extensive detail, coloring, shading, lighting, and major work put forth. At the least, for such a piece, I would factor in the time and effort put in and place the final price at about $40. As that has been said, I will no longer do trades (although friends are the exception) and half will be payed for up front before I finish the final product, to avoid any future trouble.

  More awesomely, I've been working on more music tracks as Gynk once again. I have worked on a bunch of new tracks not only for my Concept EP, by also for other collaborated projects as well. For those of you who haven't a faint idea what Gynk is, it's the name I came up with for the music I produce. If you never knew that I made music, well then it's nice to be able to inform you now! In fact, you can find some of that music right here:

https://soundcloud.com/gynk

   The third bit of news that I have is that my art is coming, and I have been working on it. Slowly, but surely, more content will appear on this page and other pages. Also, that deal that I had talked about (or that animation thing I had discussed before) is still through legal processing, and is still unheard of in results. Life has been happening to us, and the legalities of this specific issue are being handled by the same person who's handling other stuff. I can't say it won't happen, but I'm also starting to seriously reconsider the offer for another time as well due to other aspects of the matter. Due to this, if cartoons come, they will be distributed firsthand and be under my complete dominance.

   For winter break, we get to see our siblings for roughly a week and then they are going right back. I am so happy to see them here, and to actually be able to spend time with these kids after 5 months of not being able to!  :)  They give me reason, and they are more important than even they may ever know. For other personal subjects, I have been a lot happier than I've been in a long time. Particularly because I have become pretty close with certain people, and my life has been changing in more ways than one. My brother and my uncle are living with us now, and we're going to be celebrating Christmas this week! I guess the one thing this year is missing is my mom, but if she could be here than she definitely would (and I know that). I love you all, and I'll see ya later! I just wrote a novel, holy shit...

Hey, I just wanted to let you guys know that I've got the artwork that I've been working on for the past couple of months ready to upload. Sorry it's taken so long, but I hope the pictures themselves make up for it! Also, I've had a pretty good day today and that's a huge leap doing what I need to do. I'm glad to be at the point I'm at right now, and it was thanks to the people that have kept me alive for this long (you know who you are). Thank you all for that, and I appreciate having all of this and all of you in my life. Thanks a bunch for understanding and supporting me, and I hope you guys have sunny days and bright skies.  :)

   Hey, everyone. I'm really sorry for not posting very often, and I'm very sorry for how late I always am... I guess things just should be okay, and that all of my problems shouldn't be a big deal for me. Although they should, they aren't for me. It's not that my situation is bad by any means, or at least it isn't as bad as it should be. I think all of the problems that I'm faced with today are all because of me.

   There's no finger to point, and I have nobody to blame for everything I am feeling but myself. I am the one who always pushes others away. I'm the one who keeps adding things to my list of things to be sad about. Most of all, it's my fault in which I always get nothing done. My lack of an ability to help anything is what's causing all of this, and I just want to let you all know that I am still alive and okay. Even though it may get tough, I am okay.

   Halloween was one of the hardest things to have to deal with this year, probably. It reminds me of my mom every time, and how much she loved to be a part of the holiday every year. She was my best friend, and one of the only people I was actually able to talk to about serious issues. Now that she's gone, it's like every one of my issues are slowly getting worse (even if I think I'm getting better) because I literally talk to nobody about these issues. Even if people want to talk, I often convince myself that I can't let anybody know why or that they wouldn't understand where I'm coming from in a serious standpoint anyhow...

   The purpose of this journal wasn't to mope, and I'm sorry if I'm bumming anyone out while you read this journal. However, as some of you may know, I still struggle with depression. I never talk about it or make it a problem for anyone ever, but I feel that it's necessary for others to know. I've been trying really hard to get away with it, but as emotions build up more and more, it's as if it always comes back to haunt me. I can never escape, it sometimes seems to me, and that's what I have to face today.

   My mission isn't to seek attention, or make big deal about this topic. The first step to solving a problem is recognizing there is one, and if that problem gets me to where I don't even want to do what I love to do, then there is a problem there. I find drawing to be a chore, and I can't even complete any sort of project these days. Therapy seems like a good option, but for now I can only deal with it on my own.

   I was given an offer a couple months ago (in fact, almost a year ago) to work as a cartoonist for an outside company. I can't give any details at the moment as to what this deal pertains, but I have been reading over the contract and am strongly considering doing it. Yet, in some ways, I know I can't. I don't have the resources, I lack the drive, and I know for a fact (like I have always done) I will never complete anything. It just seems like my options are either full time school, my passion, or nothing. That's pretty ridiculous and stupid, I know, but I never said my emotions are fact...

   The bottom line is, I guess, I wouldn't expect anything from me that much very often. I might come back in a little bit, or maybe I'll get back to business today or tomorrow. But what I'm expecting of myself right now isn't very much, and I think that over a period of time of just telling you guys false things that I even fool myself with for being true promises are just going to end up disappointing you all overall. I love each and every one of you very much, and I'm sorry I'm being such a sad fucker. I just wish I could talk about all of this shit and just get this depression bullshit over with so I can focus on my life and get back to doing what I truly loved to do so much...

    What a ride, you guys... How's it going, really? I could imagine, but feedback is always nice to hear from you also. Make sure to leave a comment after you're done reading, so I can see how everybody's been! But, man, I had a wild summer and school year so far. To even be able to tell the rest of this story with fact and truth is beyond what I had ever thought I could speak about in my whole life. What you all are probably wondering the worst, though, is why the hell I've been gone so long?! I think I should just discuss each time period separately.

    JULY & AUGUST: We basically got the house finished, and started to move in. At the time, that was very exciting for me because I had the idea that I would be able to get a lot more done in my own space and time-frame. I managed to get some art close to finished, but it's literally so close to being finished that it's just bad luck it's not on here right now. Please, just bare with me for the time being and understand that I'm trying to sort some stuff out.

    I got to spend roughly 2 months with my siblings, also! As you guys may already know, this was a pretty big deal because of the situation that happened at right around the end of last year. We never get to see them, and to have that time with them was very humbling to say the least. They came down here from Montana, and we had nothing but an absolutely fantastic time while they were still with us! I certainly learned a lot more from my little brothers and sisters than I ever had in my whole life. heh

    By the end of the kid's visit with us, we took a week and a half long road trip. Only the people on my personal Facebook would know any of the details, but to explain it in the least of terms: an eye-opening journey to remember for life. If it wasn't the glimmering green hills, wall to wall, of the Black Hills; seeing the rain and forests in Idaho, the vibrant rays of heat in the further deserts of Utah and the corner of Arizona, it had to be doing that all together. Sure, we did have the absolutely unbelievable opportunities to see sights such as Mount Rushmore (which, by the way, has a completely free admission fee without car now), Crazy Horse Memorial, and Custer State Park; but the most remarkable bit of the whole thing was the scenery, the clouds, and the colors that you could see in so many different places. For me, it was like a dream taking that sort of escape, and all I can be for that point of my life is absolutely, 100% thankful to now have that incredible experience to go back on.

    AUGUST & SEPTEMBER: I don't even know what the fuck happened... What I mean by that, is everything after that was as if we were being hit in every angle. While we did have neato stuff now, like our own beds to sleep in; it was as if school became an entirely new entity, and life at home started getting very tough. We truly do our best to make it, but sometimes it's difficult to even find any free time for ourselves. I worry mainly about family stuff, I know; but if you have family, you've definitely got to understand where I'm coming from. The point is that I'm not dead, yet I sort of feel very well on the border between half a person and barely even alive at times. I'll get over it, and it is really rather stupid that I choose to stress myself over such matters; but I simply can't help it.

    Besides the stupid drama stuff, I wanted to take the time to let you all know that I haven't stopped drawing or working at all. In fact, that's been occupying my thoughts for the longest time now and I'm really trying to take the time to crack down on it. I'm probably even going to post some stuff for a latest idea I have, but I just want to keep everything on a calm, slow paced level for now so that I can get my stuff done and not stress so much about this. I will attend to my art and toons, but I just need some time, I guess. lol I'M NOT BREAKING UP WITH YOU, WE JUST NEED SOME TIME! xD

   Anyways, thank you all so much for being patient and for reading all the way down to this part of the journal. I know I've been bad at updating, and I'll try and make a monthly effort to do so from now on. Progress has been very delayed and fucked up recently, and I really do want to apologize for this. You all have been so kind and supportive throughout all of my endeavors throughout the years, and I just wanted to give a quick thanks to you for that, as well. Each and every one of you matter to me more than even I think I realize at times, and I don't want any of you to think that I think of it as any more or less than that. I care, and I wanted to let you guys know what was up.

Thanks again, and I'll see you guys later!

Gabe

  I know that it's nearly twelve days into July, so I apologize about that... Also, happy very very very very very late fourth of July, everyone! haha Mine was pretty swell, with my family and all, but before this update, I want to know how all of your 4th was. Did you guys do anything or enjoy yourselves? I mean, how are you guys?! We need communication in this relationship, c'mon!

I've got big news, and much to talk about! Let's just get started, shall we? Okay, so I want to let you guys know first why I've been "slacking" lately on art or drawings. I guess the short, simple, and sweet answer is this: I literally don't have the time, and when I do, I barely get anything finished (I would literally have to rush a shitty drawing just to release anything). So progress has been slow recently. Granted, it's bad on my part that I promised "art soon". But I've had two big things taking up my time lately (which the second thing is the good news).

The sort of bad news is that I have summer school yet again. I can get finished any time, but that's all a matter of getting finished (which is actually almost soon). It's all online, and I'm on my last section for each class! See, that's not too bad, right? I'm getting there and back in square, you guys! Which leads to great news...

Chances are, we're moving into our brand new house at the beginning of this week! Not only that, but it's the first time throughout my whole life in which I get a room to myself and my very own work-space. So guess who's going to be hard at work after summer school and housework?! That's right, Dewey the Leprechaun! I'm just kidding, it's totally me. I'm not insensitive at all, and I apologize...

What's next? Well, I'll tell you what's next... Expect content, and a lot of it! The content isn't going to be clear, and I can't tell you guys what the deal is with things right this second, but I'll give you all an update on things when everything is cleared up! I'm back in business, and seriously this time! I want to get real with you all for a second, though...

Do you all feel like I've either been far too serious this past year? Do you feel like I'm distant from you guys now? Please let me know. I don't need comfort, pity, or acceptance. I am just wondering how you all feel about what I've been doing this whole time. I just want feedback, and I want it to be honest. Be it as hurtful as you wish, and brutal as is necessary, but I need to change, and part of that requires your help.

From here, can we talk in the comments section? Better yet, can we start brand new from here, and move on from all of the shit I've held off? I'm imperfect, and I want you all to know that I am so sorry I have been failing all of you... If I could ask, do you all forgive me? Thank you for the read, and your time.

To those of you who chose to read this whole thing, thank you so much for being true. You are all my champions, and we can get out of these ruts together now! No more one-sidedness, and no more being left in the dark... I will work so much harder to get things done and to keep in touch with all of you. I have built up so many borders, that I don't even know where to begin breaking them down. I just know I've got to start somewhere, and that's what I'll do... This is new, and this is true. Do you all want to create this with me? A beautiful life for you and me?...

    I am not gone, dead, or the in-between. I am still here, and this time I'm back feeling better than I have in more than a year. Now I finally realize why this used to be everything to me, and why it meant so much to me to keep you all in the loop of things. I am kicking my depression, and I'm only going to focus on what needs to get done. No more wallowing and no more thinking; it's about time that I start doing something about it. I'm done being a person I never wanted to be, and it's time to return to who I AM supposed to be. Somebody with no care in the world but for what matters.

    With that, and careful thought and consideration, I'm now returning for good. I will return with the artwork that I've completed and more when summer break starts, which is on June 4th (this next Friday). Once I can get into a clear schedule in a new house with set times and dates for things, then it will be much, much, MUCH easier to fit my passion in there, as well. I will be able to regularly work on projects and keep everyone updated as to what's going on. I'm going to start drawing a lot more cartoons, I'm sure, and I will now (after we're through with this damn house) have a studio to work in. Lots of hopes and reams are now able to be, and I'm just so excited!

    Another subject that I would like to bring up, that I think would give a lot more perspective as to part of why I've been so down, is a very serious topic. As to many who have been keeping updated throughout the course of this year, many of you would know that on July 21st, 2014, my mother, Marisa L. Martin, passed away from dilated cardiomiopathy. I never wanted people to know (other than the ones that I've already told) because it would be nothing but an extra concern for everyone else, but this has been a weight on my shoulders for quite some time now. In a lot of ways, I feel like this past year hasn't been spent improving at all. In fact, a majority of it was spent letting our mother down (in my personal opinion). I'm just grateful that we get to at least see our siblings this summer and do better in school.

    Because of thoughts like this, this past year hasn't been horrible. I've learned a lot, and now I'm ready to make change for everyone (and not just myself). Sure, while the things that were going on at home weren't making anything any easier, that wasn't necessarily the one major thing I'm going to end up looking back on. I think, our of everything, I'm going to look back on moments like today. The amount of content I feel with everything that's happened to me right at this particular moment is indescribable at the least, just for the sheer fact that I've felt this very bliss in my life before.

    It's not ignorance, but yet my awareness that's making everything so worthwhile. I feel like if I keep this up, that I won't be putting my mother down any longer (along with all of the pain she must still be feeling already). I want to make her proud, and know that she is. I want to always feel, as I do now, that sh'es always here, watching over us. No matter what, I always want to be the person I'm meant to be. Not the person other's have been wanting from me for a whole fucking year now, but the person that I have been happy with and will always be happy with. I feel like if the people that I love and care about can just deal with all of the trouble that we've been faced with consistently, that it would be so much easier for everybody to finally live a healthy, normal life like we should be. I've never seen that throughout my whole life, but for once, a normal life would be worth all of the shit we've had to deal with.

    I leave you with a thought... Don't lose hope. No matter what you may be facing today, all it takes is patience. It make not be easy, but with time, it WILL get easier. It used to piss me off to hear that from other people, but now that I really think about it, it's more true than anything you could be told when you're in pain. Also, appreciate the small moments to your fullest; because, at the end of the road, they are the one thing you'll be able to look back and see. Don't worry, because all of that becomes meaningless once it's solved. After that, it's nothing but a life lesson. Live and learn; don't forget the ground you walk on, so you know what further road to pave in the long run. One last thing: Find balance. The perfect blend between chaos and peace is the one thing that's going to give you the wisdom and strength to fight on further battles. Believe in your own ability, and nothing else can knock you down.

See you all soon!

Gabe