Hey, everyone. I'm really sorry for not posting very often, and I'm very sorry for how late I always am... I guess things just should be okay, and that all of my problems shouldn't be a big deal for me. Although they should, they aren't for me. It's not that my situation is bad by any means, or at least it isn't as bad as it should be. I think all of the problems that I'm faced with today are all because of me.

   There's no finger to point, and I have nobody to blame for everything I am feeling but myself. I am the one who always pushes others away. I'm the one who keeps adding things to my list of things to be sad about. Most of all, it's my fault in which I always get nothing done. My lack of an ability to help anything is what's causing all of this, and I just want to let you all know that I am still alive and okay. Even though it may get tough, I am okay.

   Halloween was one of the hardest things to have to deal with this year, probably. It reminds me of my mom every time, and how much she loved to be a part of the holiday every year. She was my best friend, and one of the only people I was actually able to talk to about serious issues. Now that she's gone, it's like every one of my issues are slowly getting worse (even if I think I'm getting better) because I literally talk to nobody about these issues. Even if people want to talk, I often convince myself that I can't let anybody know why or that they wouldn't understand where I'm coming from in a serious standpoint anyhow...

   The purpose of this journal wasn't to mope, and I'm sorry if I'm bumming anyone out while you read this journal. However, as some of you may know, I still struggle with depression. I never talk about it or make it a problem for anyone ever, but I feel that it's necessary for others to know. I've been trying really hard to get away with it, but as emotions build up more and more, it's as if it always comes back to haunt me. I can never escape, it sometimes seems to me, and that's what I have to face today.

   My mission isn't to seek attention, or make big deal about this topic. The first step to solving a problem is recognizing there is one, and if that problem gets me to where I don't even want to do what I love to do, then there is a problem there. I find drawing to be a chore, and I can't even complete any sort of project these days. Therapy seems like a good option, but for now I can only deal with it on my own.

   I was given an offer a couple months ago (in fact, almost a year ago) to work as a cartoonist for an outside company. I can't give any details at the moment as to what this deal pertains, but I have been reading over the contract and am strongly considering doing it. Yet, in some ways, I know I can't. I don't have the resources, I lack the drive, and I know for a fact (like I have always done) I will never complete anything. It just seems like my options are either full time school, my passion, or nothing. That's pretty ridiculous and stupid, I know, but I never said my emotions are fact...

   The bottom line is, I guess, I wouldn't expect anything from me that much very often. I might come back in a little bit, or maybe I'll get back to business today or tomorrow. But what I'm expecting of myself right now isn't very much, and I think that over a period of time of just telling you guys false things that I even fool myself with for being true promises are just going to end up disappointing you all overall. I love each and every one of you very much, and I'm sorry I'm being such a sad fucker. I just wish I could talk about all of this shit and just get this depression bullshit over with so I can focus on my life and get back to doing what I truly loved to do so much...